tala_howlett

Sadly enough I am ready for my break now. Classes are fine, AOII is fine, I'm just ready to be someplace WARM.

I got lucky, my aunt was not going to go this year but because my other aunt and her family had made plans for the end of the month to go down she figured one more year would not hurt. YAY! That means spring break plans for me!

This year it will only be me and Kristen driving down (If you want to go please lord e-mail me I'd like to have three people to drive instead of two) and since we are both of age, that means we can drink!! YAY! There is this place called the Daquri Deck that has drinks to die for.

I have come to the realization that in like a week and a half, I am going to be 23 years old.

23

God I am getting old. Everyone thinks I'm younger than them or the same age as them when in reality I'm older than most of my friends. It also brings to light another fact of my life that I still have a hard time with: my mother has been dead for 6 years.

It has been 6 years since I've heard her voice, seen her face, eaten with her, talked with her, etc. I have the hardest time remembering what she sounded like and that is scary.

I find myself thinking about her this time of year because she did die in Feburary. A week before my birthday to be exact.

What would she think of me now?
Would we still be like we were then?
Would she be proud of me?
Would she be the one coming to Founder's day with me instead of Shorty? or would she even approve of the whole Sorority thing?
Would I still be living in Catawba with Douglas and her or would we be living with Shorty?
Could we have realized sooner that she was sick?
Would it have made a difference?

So many woulds and coulds and what ifs. I miss her and I wish I had something other than a few fleeting pictures to remember her by. She and I could still be 'sisters' like we always were instead of it just being me sticking out like a sore thumb.

I wish I didn't always have to explain to others why I don't say MOM and DAD and say AUNT and UNCLE all the time. I've never had the luxury of being able to say "My Dad" and then I got the luxury of saying "My Mom" ripped away from me.

I do not feel right calling Shorty my mom or Douglas my dad because it never has occured to me. Me and Shorty have both slipped yes, I having answered to being her daughter and she having called me that as well, but I don't make it a point to say Mom instead of Shorty. It seems like blasphmy that I would call someone else mom just because mine is dead. I know I am her daughter in mind, she never had kids, but I still call her Shorty and refer to her as my aunt.

With Douglas it is just the fact that neither of us have slipped up and said such things even though for all intents purposes he is my dad. He never got married and he never had kids so that left me and he for some reason took it upon himself to take me in as such. I guess part of me, that small little optimist hiding in me, holds out a sliver of hope that there is a way to find my true biological father.

It wasn't for lack of trying when I was younger... god knows where my fear of needles came from. We tried several people; the man my mother had been married to when I was born, his brother, a few other acquaintences, but all were a no. I wonder if it was just because at the time there was no such thing as DNA testing. There was, when I started high school, an old friend of my mother's who moved back to Springfield, who for a time we toyed with the idea of getting the test done (we had given up after a while). The reason we thought of this was the fact that me and his daughter now, named Star, looked an awful lot alike. We both had the same round face, dark curly hair, and freckles like you wouldn't believe. Putting our pictures together did indeed make the similarities stand out. Looking back now neither had the money for the test and so it never happened and after my mother died I had no way to contact this man. I can't remember his name at all and it's highly unlikely that I could find him without said information either. Every now and then when I start thinking about Mom, he tends to pop up too because it was that slight sliver of hope that I might actually have a father...someone to trace back to, there was even the added bonus that I might have a half sister!

Still, we move on I suppose and my crazed brain will go back into it's state of separated bliss that comes with getting out of the season.

It's just scary to think I can't remember her. That I cannot picture her face without her picture in hand. That I will never know any more about my family tree save for that of my mother's side and the rest will remain a mystery.

Sorry that I went off on a tanget there... it's just been on my mind.

I would just like to say Wed. is the best day of the week and my Big is just so cool. Country Night is awesome!!!

As for school news; I have suddenly come to the realization that I have a LAPTOP. A portable computing device. Half of this campus has a wireless connection and I happen to have a wireless card.

*slaps forehead*

Why did I not realize this before???? All those long breaks when I have nothing to do but stare at stone walls GONE. All those boring classes I usually doodle in because teacher doesn't change slides fast enough GONE.

God bless technology.

School on the other hand can kiss my ass. It is not that bad it is just frustrating. I work and work and it seems like I have done nothing. I seriuosly believe that my right hand is going to revolt because I've used it way too much.

Perhaps I should learn to become ambidexterous.

Well back to study tables.... maybe.

Just for a point of reference to the general populace: not only have I bagged a man, I have bagged a damn good one. Finke said she was jealous.

With that being said I will move on and let you people wonder as to why I suddenly make this proclamaiton.

I am a cruel person no?

So not four weeks into things and I am in the perpetual loop of homework, reading, AOII and just trying to get enough time for "Me Stuff". It is a never ending battle of wills between me and time; which there never seems to be enough of. Strangely enough I am tired as all hell any more even though I am getting a good 7 to 8 hours of sleep almost every night. I was under the impression that as long as I got that much I would be good to go.

Obviously a study was done wrong somewhere.

If only I could crawl back up into bed for another good three hours if not more. It is nice a warm up there and I can be undisturbed and rest. Not think....thinking hurts too much.

Let us go back to the weekend. I liked the Weekend. It held a deal of great things within it that makes me smile. Simon is just amazing. We started off the weekend with me cooking dinner, Chicken Breasts and salad, with a nice Chardonnay wine. It was quite yummy. Then we hung out with each other for a few hours till he eventaully had to go to bed because he was working early the next morning. I have been insomniatic the past few weeks, staying up till 3 or later and so I stayed up to play games. We went to Barnes and Nobles the next day after I picked him up for work and it was nice. I bought him a collection of Edgar Allen Poe's works and poetry. He kept returning to read and look at it like he wanted it and I finally snagged it along with what I was buying for myself. He bought the coffee and cupcakes at the starbucks inside the BN. All in all a fair trade if you ask me ;)

Then I had to return to BG for Pancake Breakfast. The roads were terrible because a few hours prior to my leaving it had started to snow a bit and I knew I should have left sooner than I did but it was just too hard to leave Simon's apartment. Can I help that the boy makes it hard to leave???

Still came back I did and ended up playing video games most of the evening. Being the setup/clean up crew does have a few advantages I guess...

I've started scanning all the pictures I have with me into my computer and I finally finished the ardous task of getting all my CDs scanned into iTunes. I only kept the songs I liked off of cds and ended up coming to a total of 881 songs O_O now I need to find all the songs I have a list for and find the CDs that have mysteriously uped and left somehow.

That's about it for me... I need to prepare for class I guess.

Huzzuah!

Somedays I really do wonder why I did not decide on a college in a warmer state. At least one where they do not have such a problem with snow. My weekend was kinda trashed because I started hearing the news of the snowstorm that was coming in and in the interests of my car and my own personal safety decided not to go to Toledo to see Simon. It was, in the long run, a good decision because it did get rather nasty Friday night and Saturday. Last night me and Kristen saw some idiot nearly put his back end into a Stop Sign because he thought the roads were clear enough to speed around and brake hard. Sunday the roads around here were pretty nasty still and I can only imagine what the parking lot is like.

The weekend was not a total loss. Friday the girls were going out and I decided to go with them, with nothing else to do, and ended up having a wonderful time with the new members. It was a great time playing Asshole and getting just a tad bit wasted. I think I surprised the Panda Taxi girls when I called for pick up...like I was the last person they expected to hear from... I find that funny. They seriously responded "Pendleton?!" when they asked for my name and told them it was "Megan".

Contrary to popular believe I do like to get drunk every so often..just not every week. I like to stay a lightweight just so that it won't cost me much to get drunk ;)

See there are methods to my madness.

I had my first quiz today in Management. I aced the bitch! Which has me hopeful for at least that class. I await quizzes and exams in the others so that I might gauge how to study or if I am on the right course this semester. I have a weekly schedule book and I covered each day in post-it notes that include the homework I have to do on those days and so far it seems to be a system that is working. After I have finished all my "To Do List" I reward myself with Video Game Time. Which I also have a list for! PRIORITIZE is the word for this semseter! children!

Well it is almost class time so I am on my way. Gotta pay attention you know. This Wireless connection thing just rules!

Today in class I was doing well! I participated in my Tech 302 class. I rose my hand and volunteered information!

I KNOW!!!!!!!!!

How shocked are all of you? I know I am!

The past two days have been phenomenal emotional wise. I have hung out with people and I have been extremely talkative as of late. Hell even my roommate has said "You are a completely different person from who you were last semester." For the most part I agree with her. I do not know what has changed all of the sudden but I do like the feelings I get when I have been talking with Liz or someone else and have been joking around and enjoying the conversation with them. It has been nice.

But, as always, my joy is short-lived. My stress levels skyrocketed and those bad thoughts took over for maybe an hour or two. I had several pages of reading to do and a VCT project to finish and I had to get ready for a C.O.R. that started at 8pm and when I got back from class I realized that dinner, yet again, was a no go for me. I also realized that most of the weeks study table hours take place during class times for me and when you have to put in 10hrs of study table time that is not a good thing to see. It was just like things were breaking down in a matter of days instead of months.

But then the C.O.R. started and, unlike my usual behavior of walking around and trying to avoid all human contact, I actually sat down with Crystal and the girl she was taking around the house and actually CONTRIBUTED to the conversation. I talked, made her laugh a few times, I seemed to be talking more than Crystal did on a few occassions. I then proceeded, after being bumped out of the conversation, to pick up on the convos and even started some topics with a few of the new members I did not really know that well. I got to know Tianna much better and Ann as well. We were laughing and the time went a lot quicker than my previous C.O.R. experiences.

Kristen did not know what to make of me. She seriously thought I was drunk. I did not know what to make of myself either. If I had known what switch I had flipped I would permanently book mark it and find it when it seems it has shut itself off.

Well back to the homework...got a long night ahead.

Sorry for not getting back sooner. I was too busy going out to dinner with a couple of my wonderful AOIIs and then playing video games while the party people went out and returned rather drunk and loud. All in all a relaxing evening.

So how are my classes going to be this year? *shrugs* your guess is as good as mine. I went to all my study tables (save for two) and I took notes, studied, tried to keep on everything and yet I still came out substandard again. People say I am smart but I cannot believe it when I keep screwing up so bad.

I am positive VCT will be fun this year, Management will help me get that Key Manager position at Rite Aid, and American Culture Studies will be informative. It'll be like watching the history channel. MIS 200 may very well make me rip my own hair out but it is things I am familiar with so it should turn out okay.

So yesterday I had an all around good day but today is Saturday and since my obligations to AOII are fulfilled till Monday I am gonna go spend the long weekend with Simon and possibly shopping for the Video Camera I need for VCT 268. This very well may kill me and my bank account but they did not warn us about this necessity until we got into the class.

Figures right?

So it is off to take the trash out and find a hairdryer I can borrow and start the long ardous process of straightening my hair. Gotta find something to kill the time till 6pm :)

Toledo here I come!!!!

(transferred over from Blogger)


Hello everyone and welcome to my personal blog. I destroyed (a.k.a. deleted) Musing of a Jedi because I just needed to wipe the slate clean and deleting some 60 odd posts as just way too time consuming. It was much easier this way...

I am sure many of you agree.

A lot of things were said on my old blog that arose from insecurities that I have yet to get under control and when they get to be too much or too many I lash out and try to destroy that which I perceive as a threat. I have way too much to do, much to learn, and right now the thing to learn is how to let go and not to be so overprotective of myself.

I want to formally apologize to everyone I come in contact with, I have been told I come off as a bitch. I can accept this perception of my actions and personality. I just want to explain that I do not mean to come off that way, it is just how I learned to cope with my family and my severely lacking social skills. If I was a shadow on the wall people would leave me alone and not tease or laugh at me, do things to me, or make me choose between warring sides of a conflict.

So I am sorry.

I do not mean to be bitchy or anti-social but you have to understand that up till the point that I moved in with my aunt that I lived with my extremely hermit-like grandmother and my not-always-there mother. My grandmother made me what I am, I could not help that until this point. She made me believe the worst in people and that trusting someone could cost me a lot. I was a lot safer keeping to myself and looking out for myself. Everyone...and I mean EVERYONE...had a hidden agenda.

Even after moving in with my auntI was too afraid of her way of dealing with things to even consider it an option. She put too much faith in others, she believed in the words of others, and most of all she believed in being open with others. She exposed herself to others and that scared me; it still does. Everytime I have to stand up in front of total strangers and just tell them who I am leaves me all shakey and uncertain, let alone what a speech does to me.

I was also told that I was 22 years old, nearing 23, and that I should be over this and I should move on. This is where part of me conflicts. A good portion of me does want to break away from what I am and be something else entirely. There is this person inside of me that wants to speak out, to be funny, and witty, to be able to do the things she wants to do and be able to achieve the things she wants to achieve. She does not want to second guess every little action and thing that she ahs said or done or be in constant worry that she's pissed them off in some manner.

Then again there is my comfort zone. My nice little comfort zone where I know what is what and who I can absolutely put my trust in. I have my little obsessions and my computers, my friends online, and those people who have stuck with me through thick and thin. Those are the people I know and fear that if I should change, they will think ill of me. Those who like me as I am now may not like who I become and I cannot bear to lose their friendship.

I have improved, I do not pass out or run away from scary things like presentations and group oriented classes. I still feel the same bile in my gut, the shakeness that accompanies my nervous anxiety. I stil have the same self-destructive tendencies after my speeches that I did when I was in high school. I literally will claw my own hand till it is raw and red after speeches...I do it with my nails, books, and this past semester with a mechanical pencil. Why do I do that? I can only guess because I am so pissed off that after my hours of preperations, all my relaxation techniques, and telling myself that no one is actually listening to me, I still stand up, look up, and freeze like a deer in headlights. I still stutter and shake, and not for any lack of trying, I seem to forget how to read and form cohesive sentences that I could write out easily in my sleep.

No one can understand unless they too have experienced this same kind of mind-numbing fear and I think that's when I start coming off as a bitch to others. My silence or short reply's, though driven by my lack of understanding and fear of the other's reactions, will come off as being rude or downright ignoring them. I've heard others being talked about in the manner of 'they talk too much' and then again if I talk too little it's not good enough for people either. If I knew where the safe middle ground was I would sit my ass there and be content.

I have improved though in many ways. I've tried altering my dress and looks. I straighten my hair when I have time because it looks better...I wear more form fitting clothing (back in high school you had to guess if i was a boy or girl) I wear makeup when I feel like putting it on, I have started to take better care of myself; finally quiting "Liquid Crack" (aka nasal spray) and currently going to the rec and trying to eat more healthy and cut back on my pop.

Still there are the things I cannot change. I am a computer geek. It is what I am good at. I will sit in front of one for hours because that is where I started to learn how to talk to people. I will still prostrate myself in front of a TV screen and either play video games or watch movies like Star Wars. These are things that bring me joy. I am a gamer, it's part of how I grew up and what I do for fun. There are going to be times when I am going to be anti-social... people have relapses, it's part of dealing with a habit or mental disease that can't be helped. There are just times when stress and other factors will push me so far to the edge that those insecurites are going to latch on like leeches and bleed me out till I can gain control again.

Well time now, since it is now 3am when I am finishing this up, for me to go to bed. God bless having later classes in the morning. Getting up was killing me last semester.

Please understand that I was just trying to give some people some insight as to why I act the way I do. I am trying to change things but change takes time (it took me the full month of december to kick the nasal spray addiction and I still crave it at night when I have trouble sleeping). I will try to change my outlook and hopefully my attitude will change along with it, you just have to bear with me...I am a tad bit insane :)

Roses,
Megan